Coconut Pie and Lobster Cakes
by joolay
Summary: Poor Katie Bell had the strangest family. She had no friends except her dad. Then the day came that she would have to leave her family behind when she got accepted into Hogwarts. But somethng goes wrong. Rated PG-13 for language.
1. A Secret Letter

_( Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter )_

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Katie Boobus Bell folded up her Hogwarts Letter and placed it under a stack of pornos on her dresser. If her parents found out that she had been accepted into Hogwarts, a school of magic, they'd rape her and feed her carcass to a mob of angry kindergartners. She hastily stacked more heavy porno magazines onto the pile so the letter would be even harder to find.  
  
There was a knock.  
  
"Katie? Is that you, boy? What are you doing in your room like a crap-cake? Come out and give your grandma a bath. She's starting to fester." It was the voice of Katie's mom.  
  
"I'll be out in a minute mom!" The truth was, she had better things to do than to bathe her dead grandma's body. Katie's parents had felt that they just couldn't bury her. So they kept her in a rocking chair in the kitchen near the window so she could "look out".  
  
"Well hurry up! The flies are driving us crazy down here! They've laid eggs in her again." And then Katie heard footsteps as her mom left. She sighed and looked out her window. Across from hers was the window of Hermione Granger's. Katie could see Hermione doing naughty things with a cucumber. Katie turned away and growled. She hated Hermione. Hermione had Katie's man: Ron Weasley. Katie had liked Ron ever since he had acknowledged Katie's presence by walking past her in the hall. Katie just knew that he loved her.  
  
Katie walked downstairs and entered the kitchen. As soon as she walked in, the smell of rotting flesh hit her. Katie held her nose and approached the kitchen's window where her grandma was seated.  
  
"Say hello, Katie. Don't be rude." Her mother insisted, who was taking a bath in the sink. Katie sighed. Her mom didn't really understand that dead people can't hear you.  
  
"Hello, grandma." Katie said. Of course, her grandma didn't answer. She just sat there being dead and festering in the rocking chair.  
  
"I guess she doesn't feel like talking today, dear. It's okay. It's nothing personal." Katie's mom was squealing and splashing around in the sink, a rubber ducky floating in the water.  
  
After Katie had given her vegetable of a grandparent a scrubbing with a sponge, she decided she'd go outside and find her father. He was the only one who really understood her. She figured he'd be the one to tell about the Hogwarts letter. She hoped he'd see it through her eyes.  
  
Her dad was lying in the middle of the road playing with his toy action figures. Katie did a cartwheel and skipped over. "Hey dad!"  
  
He looked up with his stupid crooked eyes and one tooth and grinned. "Hey, sissy!"   
  
Katie sat down beside him. She didn't mind her father acting like such a child all the time. He was almost like a sibling, someone to play with and talk to.  
  
"Parnsips! Vrrooom!" Her dad played with his little toys. Katie kicked him in the head and watched him cry. She laughed.  
  
When he was done sobbing, she gave him a titty-twister and decided to ask about the Hogwarts letter. "Dad...I got a letter in the mail today about"-  
  
"I know already. About Hogwarts, right? Yeah I already saw the letter." He rubbed his round childish ass. "I found it under the pornos in your room."  
  
"You bitch!" Katie bit off his nose and spit it out onto the road. A hungry cat pounced on it, and the stupid-ass feline got hit by a speeding car.  
  
"Why were you in my room, dad?" She roared like a cheetah and ripped off all that was left of his balding hair. He whimpered and fingered his bleeding scalp.  
  
"I was only cleaning it like you told me to! Anyways you can go to Hogwarts. I don't care, tampon." Her dad stood up and dusted off his childish britches.  
  
"Oh thank you dad!" Katie said, standing up as well, and clawing at his face. He took off to go nurse his wounds and find some more toys to play with. Katie watched him go, her spirit lifted and her heart light. She would be going to Hogwarts.


	2. Bees and Leprechauns

( Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter )  
  
Katie Boobus Bell sat on her bed packing up a suitcase. She was humming the milkshake song and shaking her bottom ever so slightly. "My milkshake brings all da boys to the yard.." Suddenly there was a knock on Katie's window and Katie looked up, a sock in her hand that she was about to place inside the suitcase.  
  
It was her stupid-ass neighbor Hermione Granger. The bushy-headed bitch was outside Katie's window, tapping away. "Let me in! There's a bee's nest out here in your tree!" Katie walked over to the window and peered at Hermione. Hermione was sitting on a branch of a tree near Katie's window, bees swarming around her. Katie took delight in watching Hermione swat them away and sob heavily.  
  
After an hour had passed, Katie got bored with watching Hermione get stung by a thousand bees and opened the window to help her inside. "What were you doing in my tree anyway?" Katie asked, hoisting her neighbor inside the window. Hermione was covered in large red bumps that were oozing delightfully. Katie shut the window, and Hermione took a painful seat on Katie's bed.  
  
"I heard that you were going to Hogwarts..and.." Hermione plucked out a bee's stinger from her fat ass. "...I thought I could tell you about it, or answer some questions you may have about it."  
  
"_She's such a bitch_!" Katie thought. She hated Hermione! The girl didn't really want to help Katie out! It was all a nasty scheme to get Katie to like her so Katie wouldn't like Ron anymore. Katie stared at Hermione. "I don't need your help, ass wipe."  
  
Hermione's eyes brimmed with tears. "I always knew you didn't like me. I knew from the very first day our parents made us play together. Remember? We were five. We each had our dolls and we were having a pretend picnic. Then you took my doll and...and.." She began to cry into her hands.  
  
"-And I **shoved it up your ass**!!" Katie roared excitedly, jumping up from her bed. "I'll always remember that day! Oh, you should've seen how your stupid poopy eyes crossed in pain. You bitch." Katie opened her window and the swarm of bees flew in and attacked Hermione.  
  
"Oh my goodness!" Hermione said calmly as the bees stung her. She got up and started dancing around like a wildebeest. Katie laughed at her and got out her camera. Hermione did several back-flips and then fell out of Katie's window. Katie clapped, shut the window, and went downstairs to talk to her mom.  
  
Katie clomped down the stairs and skid to a stop in the living room, where Katie's mom was playing with the family pet. It was a fuchsia leprechaun named Hitler. Her mom tickled Hitler's tummy, then looked up at Katie.  
  
"Hello chalk-face. Come and have a go at this leprechaun." She scooted over on the couch to make room for Katie, but Katie shook her head.  
  
"I don't feel like it today, ma. Tomorrow I leave for Hogwarts and I am going to miss you and dad." She kicked the wall and her foot left a large hole in the plaster. Katie's mom stared at her.  
  
"Come here, my boy. The time has come, to talk of many things. Of shoes- and ships- and sealing wax- And cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot- and whether pigs have wings." Her mother gave her the finger and motioned Katie over with her hand. Katie pouted.  
  
"Mom, I hate you. Who's gonna take me to Hogwarts tomorrow?" Katie moon-walked over to Hitler and began humping his head.  
  
"No one. We thought you were going to walk." Her mom turned on the tv. Jerry Springer was on and it was Katie's mom's favorite show. "Whoopee! Hit 'em with the chair!" Her mom whacked Katie with the couch and sat back down.  
  
"But I can't walk to Hogwarts! It's in England! We live in Africa! What should I do?" Katie began to cry. But Katie's mom didn't care, she was too busy flashing her flat A-cup boobs to the tv.  
  
"Come on, Jerry! Gimme some beads!"   
  
"I hate you mom!" Katie cried, and went back upstairs to try and decide what she should do. Perhaps she could call Ron. She was always so nervous talking to him though, and she'd never called him on the phone before.  
  
Suddenly the phone rang which made Katie jump and hit her head on the ceiling fan. "Crap!" Said Katie, her hair clipped off, now bald. She picked up the phone. "Hello? Dis is Katie, yaw." She said in a Swedish accent.  
  
"Katie? This is Ron Weasley." Katie began humping the phone.  
  
"Hey...Ron!" She said getting all sweaty and out of breath from the humping. She was so out of shape!  
  
"Want me to take you to Hogwarts tomorrow?" He asked. Katie let out a long whoop and then sang opera.   
  
"No shit, sherlock!" Katie screamed into the receiver and slammed down the phone. She would be going to Hogwarts with Ron! This was great! She couldn't wait to inform her mama. 


End file.
